More in Number

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!

How great is the sum of them!

If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;

When I awake, I am still with You.

Psalm 139:17-18

There have been many points in my life where I struggled with the lie that the Lord had forgotten me. That somewhere along the way I'd slipped through the cracks on getting a life's plan.

Now anyone on the outside would think that's a silly thing to believe. Even now, looking back on those moments I could think the same thing of myself. But I know that in the moment, that lie can seem almost true as the enemy gets you looking with your limited eyesight at the world around you.

Recently I was reading Psalm 139. Slowly! I've read Psalm 139 lots of times, but this can almost make it too easy to breeze through. This time I came to verse 18 and actually stopped to think about the weight of his words. His thoughts toward me are more in number than the sand. 

Typically I take this verse as a nice poetic statement as images of the beach pass through my mind and then I move on. 

This time I thought of my mason jar full of sand that sits out on my dresser. I went over and looked at it. That tiny jar holds more thoughts than I could imagine thinking and it's just one little jar!

And His thoughts to me are MORE in number than the sand! 

The other day my whole family went to the zoo. As we usually do on family outings I was paired up with one of my younger siblings. I could lose my entire family in the zoo, but Alexis I would not lose, because she was my buddy. 

We held hands as we walked and then when we'd get to an exhibit. She'd release my hand to get a closer look. I typically stayed back as not to block the view of the other little children with my height. Still I kept my eye on her. I looked at the animals and enjoyed the family togetherness, but my thoughts toward Alexis were as numerous as the sand. When she'd turn from the railing or window and call my name I'd call back with a smile as I'd wave to her. 

She could enter into the moment and enjoy all that was right in front of her without a care because I was thinking of her. I wasn't going to let her get lost or harmed. 

In a far better way than I thought of Alexis, my heavenly Father thinks about me. I can enter into the moment without a care knowing He's thinking of me.

I think the last line in verse 18 is very interesting.

When I awake, I am still with You.

At first glance it doesn't seem to fit with the subject. We're talking about His numerous thoughts and sand, what does sleeping have to do with that? 

Being asleep is one of the most vulnerable positions a person can be in. And for my younger siblings sleeping at a greater or lesser level has been a hurdle of trust they've had to work through.

Some of them fought going to sleep for fear, other's woke from their naps in distress, while another panics over falling asleep in the car. 

They all had to and are continuing to learn that: When I awake, I am still with You.

The Lord has been drawing me out to a new level of trust, a new level of letting Him take care of me instead of me taking care of me. Though this position can make me feel vulnerable to falling, and uncomfortable as I let go of the things I once held to for security, I am finding His thoughts toward me to be more numerous than the sand. I'm finding daily that He has not forgotten me, that when I awake He is still with me. 

But it is our choice. We get to choose if we will trust Him even when we fear falling. We get to choose to believe the truth, that His thoughts toward us are more in number than the sand even when the lie screams loudly in our ears. 

We can't wait around until we "feel" it, to believe, we have to choose it. And choose it, and choose it, and as we do the Lord will work it into our being. Then we'll feel it, and we'll want to teach it, and preach it! And shout it from the rooftops! Because it won't just be a verse we read or memorized, it will be truth we lived and proved!

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!

How great is the sum of them!

If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;

When I awake, I am still with You.

Psalm 139:17-18